This blog is Part 2 of the Avoke “Essentials” series. Read Part 1 “How to Find Your Purpose”
The Avoke Essentials seek to help each and every one of us to live a life with more intention and less reactivity, ultimately leading to more fulfillment and connection. Get started today with the FREE 5-Day Challenge from Avoke.
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Relationships – whether with romantic partners, friends, family, or colleagues–– bring their share of road bumps and detours.
In fact, we’re willing to bet you may be thinking right now about a recurring challenge in one of your own relationships.
Growing pains are a normal and healthy part of relationships. But sometimes, the suffering can feel painful and all-encompassing. We may feel unheard, jealous, competitive, unappreciated. These heavy emotions then lead us into actions or inactions that may not ultimately serve us in the relationship, and will likely make everything worse in the long run. This might look like numbing out, shutting down, yelling, pouting, projecting, etc.
So how can we begin to handle relationship challenges that may sometimes feel insurmountable? Here are some tips for beginning a slow and steady journey toward designing a different, more productive type of dynamic in any relationship.
- Have grace for the emotion you’re experiencing. Your emotion is a valid one and real to you. Feel it and name it (frustrated, upset, angry, hurt).
- Think about the old adage – “I can’t change other people. I can only change myself.”
- Try to design a new mindset. We’d recommend a mindset that uses the music of “Big Love.”
No, we aren’t talking about the HBO show. Rather, think of “Big Love” as a core value you can strive to live by. So what does it mean?
Big Love (n)
A mindset of wanting true happiness for all others, including yourself.
By cultivating a mindset of Big Love, our actions will naturally begin to shift and change. Instead of numbing out or shutting down, we may be more curious and receptive to the other person. Instead of yelling, we may find a little more space in the moment to take a breath.
Here’s another analogy. Imagine a bird lands in the palm of your hand (!) You’re entirely wrapped up in the moment. You admire the bird’s bright colors, enjoy its melodic song. And when the time comes, you smile as the bird decides to fly away, grateful for the interaction.
Conversely, imagine you’re so consumed with worry about the bird leaving that you just can’t enjoy the moment. Perhaps you decide to close your hand-–get a firmer grip on the bird–– so you’re in control. Suddenly, you’re not just affecting your own experience, but the bird is also uncomfortable and a whole new set of problems arise.
Shifting our mindset to one of the music of Big Love calls us to love like we’re holding a bird in our open palm … instead of grasping or forcing who you think someone should be or how they should behave. Eliminating expectation of how things “should be” opens the door for deep connection and respect. Living with Big Love ultimately leads to more joy, connection, and happiness for all involved.
