Demanding bosses. Irritable spouses. Disrespectful children. Most of us, if asked, can create a short list of people in our lives who we find difficult.
People who we believe owe us an apology for something they did years ago. Those who we just wish were a little more “friendly” with us. Or, people we avoid like the plague.
Usually, if there’s a person in your life you’re having a difficult time with, you may find yourself engaged in thought loops about their negative qualities and everything they’ve done wrong. You may wake up in the middle of the night and have an imaginary conversation with them, explaining YOUR point of view and why YOU’RE right. Or, you may find that, when you’re with that person, you’re constantly nitpicking or judging them in your head––meaning you’re about as far away from the present moment as you can possibly be.
Of course, some difficult relationships in our lives stem from traumatic events or situations in one’s family history or close circle. Typically, these situations should be handled carefully, or perhaps clear boundaries should be in place so no further interaction needs to occur. But if you’re finding yourself expending way too much mental or emotional energy on relationships in your daily life, we have some tips for you:
- Figure out what’s really wrong. Often, if we’re engaged in a repeated thought loop about all the negative aspects of a person, it means that something happened that was never addressed or resolved. If it’s a boss, perhaps they were short with you in a meeting or ignored your email––but instead of having a mature conversation about it, you’ve shoved your feelings under the rug. If it’s a spouse or partner, perhaps you really are concerned about their cleanliness or health or vices, but you don’t believe they will ever change. So instead of clearly asking for what you need and asking for a change, you judge them silently. This type of behavior is usually unconscious, but if left unaddressed it can ruin a relationship altogether. So think about it––what’s REALLY underneath the storyline you have about them?
- Talk to them. Unfortunately, sharing our opinions maturely and asking to be heard are NOT skills we’re taught in school or our families. Instead, we learn by example––usually by listening to other kids gossip about one another, or watching as your parents hide emotions and feelings from each other, over and over again. But in order to rid yourself of the negative energy surrounding this difficult relationship, you have to actively work to release the hold that the story of “who this person is” has on you. This means, opening your mouth. Ask them for a time to talk. Avoid “you” statements. Speak to YOUR experience only. Be specific. “When you called to cancel our plans last night, my experience was one of frustration because it’s the third time we’ve had to reschedule. I should have been open with you right then about how upset I was, but instead I hid it and have been mad at you under the surface ever since. I’m sorry about that behavior, which isn’t fair. But I do need to feel commitment from you. Can we make a pact that next time we have a plan, we’ll stick to it?”
- Set boundaries. Often, if you’re in a spiral with a person you find difficult, you’ve failed to create a boundary for yourself with them. It sounds radical, but you actually do have control over how much you let another being impact you. Often, setting boundaries has nothing literal to do with the other person. It’s not about “I’ll only call him on Saturdays.” Instead, the boundaries you may need to set have more to do with YOU and your own mind. If you find yourself engaging in a negative loop about them (perhaps the same one you had yesterday, and the day before that), you CAN create a boundary, by simply shutting the door on it. Be the CEO of your consciousness. Tell yourself––”I have the ability to stop this thought because it does not serve me, or the relationship. I have the ability to choose which thoughts I engage in, and I am drawing a boundary in my own mind.”
- Understand their humanity––and yours. This is another human being, who desires to be happy just like you do. This person sees the world differently than you and responds differently. Instead of reacting to them and wishing they were more like you, get curious. Get loving. Ask questions. Explore their experience, like you would explore a new town you’re visiting. Leave your ego at the door.
You may have noticed a theme in these tips. Dealing with difficult people starts with YOU dealing with YOU. And this relationship to yourself is the most important one you’ll have in your life––so get cracking.
